Reality
Today I stayed at the hotel because I am really not feeling well. It feels like there is an elephant sitting on my chest, my throat is a little sore, body is tired, and I am just all over exhausted. This decision did not come easy, but instead with much internal debate for about an hour minimum at around 4am this morning.
I really should have known that this would happen. After completing this challenge I realized how much I have given up, how little attention I had paid over the year to my loved ones and friends, and most importantly the lack of self-care.
As those of you who are in the Yogini Dialogues forum know I have set a year-long sankalpa of self-care, dedicating no less than fifteen minutes a day to my mind, body, spirit health and wellness. I should have known sickness would happen, not once but twice, since committing to this intention. The Universe has a great sense of humour, as well as a need to test your will and dedication to that which you really want. It tested me all last year, as mentioned in an earlier blog so I really should have known! A very hard decision, but one I knew if I didn’t make I would miss out on more in the end with bronchitis or something. I am listening to my body, and it needs rest. One ‘Seva sister’ said this morning ‘remember, you put your own oxygen mask on first.’ Exactly.
Although I am having a hard time sitting the day out, it has really given me some time to process some of the experiences I have had so far, a luxury others won’t get I guess until our day off, or when they get home. I don’t think I have really even ‘gotten’ the half of it yet. I do know that being here feels right, and that there is nowhere else I am meant to be at this time. I say this because a lot of my normal coping mechanisms are barely showing up for me, like keeping busy or isolating. Surprising with some of the things we have experienced. Also, because I feel very present. Usually I spend a lot of time thinking about what’s next, what I am ‘missing’ at home, why I should be somewhere else, and so on, but here...I am here.
Since flying to Kolkata (fyi, Kolkata is the state, Calcutta is the district or area within it) I have encountered the prospect of death on a daily basis. Not necessarily my own, but as an aspect that surrounds us. In India death is seen simply a natural part of the process we call life, and it is not hidden, but instead can show up literally right in front of you. I have seen cows dead on the side of the road, dogs that are close to seeing the ‘light’ and women who have blessedly survived the possibility of it. I was faced with my own fear of it, and the intense realization that a need for control is what provokes it, when we had to land not once but twice from Delhi to Kolkata and the turbulence and velocity contributed to a feeling that we were ‘going down’ rather than smoothly landing. Again, I should have seen the sign, the Universe simply preparing me for what is to come perhaps.
Arriving here was a blessing for me. I have a need to ground, as in unpack, set up my mini alter, and just feel like I have a ‘safe’ space to unwind. Even if it’s just for a two or three days, it really helps. So that is exactly what I did.
Our first day here started with a Yoga practice with Seane at 7am and Suzanne sings to us during Savasana. Her voice is so amazingly beautiful it continually brings tears to my eyes. Highly suggest you check her out if you haven’t already (www.suzannesterling.com). We then had breakfast and broke into to 2 groups and I ended up with Seane heading to Saanlap. This is also a grass-roots org here in India, starting by an Indian woman. Rather than advocacy and education, Saanlap has a ‘safe’ house for rescued sex trafficked women from India and neighbouring Nepal and Bangladesh. They are currently housing 136 women, and are one of the very few who do what they do here. The center focuses on rehabilitation of survivors, providing one on one council for the women who have recently been rescued. These girls are rehabilitated on average for three months, secluded from the others, with only the other survivors so that they are not overwhelmed, bombarded with stories, or others trauma’s, but rather solely focused on their own recovery. They are in recovery from forced drugs, such as heroine/cocaine/other opiates, alcoholism used to numb the pain and day to day existence, as well as physical trauma, which after being raped on average 10-30 times a day can be extensive.
Once they are on the path to recovery they are socialized once again. They are introduced into the ‘main stream’ of the rest of the compound which then gives them more space, therapies such as dance movement, activities and skills like blocking printing, and education. The funds that we have donated to support this very, very important program is going towards a new shelter house on the same compound so that they can house more women, as well as a ‘working’ roof where they have more room to learn skills, a garden to tend and learn to grow their own healthy food, and a ‘half way house’ type of building. This house will allow the girls who reach the age of 18 and are healthy and socialized to have their own room, be able to come and go as they please (having a separate entrance), and work to support themselves. They will have a curfew but be able to garner all the life skills required to be able to successfully re-enter their society, remembering that these girls may have been kidnapped and sold at the age of 6-8, so this is something that they would have never had a chance to learn.
We spent the day there and started with Yoga, which Seane led and then we had to step in and then lead a few poses on our own. I totally tanked that. Language barrier, about 50 women watching me, including Seane who I just admire so much as well as all the participants, so with something like a reported 82,000 poses I couldn’t think of any lol! Seane had to jump in and save the sinking ship that was me, in the sea of women who were in their best sari’s and refusing the anything on the ground. We also had to be sensitive to poses, like downward dog, happy baby, and they generally just shied away from things like crow pose when Seane tried. Culture as well as trauma based I think. But ultimately it is a way to move and reconnect them to their bodies, and as most don’t know, Yoga was only opened back up to women as a practice in the last hundred years, and still in India it is somewhat ‘frowned’ upon and something slightly rebellious to these women.
We then spent the afternoon painting walls with what we are pretty sure was just watered down white out, learning to block print, which I loved, and playing beauty shop. We got our hair done and painted their nails, they panted my toes. I got an ‘old lady’ color of polish, a color a grandmother would wear so they weren’t really interested in me much. I got to sit back a bit and witness them being girls.
It really struck me how they are no different and totally ‘normal’, and if you didn’t know where you were you would have no idea. Granted, they are on their best behaviour, but still, most of them engaged, participated, played, smiled, and the ones who didn’t you could find the sparkle. They aren’t ruined, just damaged. The resiliency of the human spirit was made very apparent in that moment. I also made a personal commitment to very actively work harder to never say ‘I can’t’, because if they can so can we. We are so very capable, sometimes we just need help, support, a caring smile, a listening ear, or hug. We really want to support and empower them, but I feel so much stronger having been in their presence. It’s not easy. It’s a long road to recovery for these girls, but I left feeling very hopeful.
After we left Sanlaap we drove to a Red Light district in Calcutta. One thing we all noticed and felt is that if we didn’t know where we were going, we have not even known it was there. The only thing slightly ‘off’ was that externally there were a lot of women hanging out, which is culturally something that doesn’t happen here.
But we did. Walking in I don’t honestly remember much except we were in a line with a Sanlaap employee in the front leading the way and middle, and our guide at the end. I remember feeling like we were on parade, which can be a fairly common feeling here, and that it was dirty and dark. I took off my sunglasses, ‘planted my roots’ and stood tall and strong in my body, I was breathing deeply and looking around. I made eye contact and smiled at some of the women who initiated it with me, but internally I have never felt so insanely vulnerable.
We arrived after about a 5 minute walk to the ‘community center’ space where Sanlaap educates informally the children of the prostitutes. This was a big request when they were asked by Sanlaap how they could be of the most help for those not yet or never to be rescued, find something for my children to do. Obviously because if the kids are not there or in school they are sitting present or nearby while the acts happen.
What struck most of us is how they were mostly boys in the room, with only about 3-4 girls. Instantly you want to go into projection mode, as women here empowering other women. You move through that to imposing your own cultural norm’s, forgetting that men here are traditionally the main income earners, and then you move to a moment of anger realizing that some of these boys will be recruited as pimps or traffickers themselves.
The girls and boys danced for us. They loved it and it instantly reminded me of their total innocence, not only in this current situation but their entire societal situation. Like the girls, most will not have a choice or know better, and at the very least they are getting some education and support in hopes that slowly maybe even one child at a time this pattern will change for the better. It didn’t feel right to me to impose my projections or judgments on these kids, instead I wanted to be totally present for this moment with them, while they engaged, played, danced, as this might be one of the few good memories some of them have. I was also trying hard to stay grounded, as I continued to feel very vulnerable knowing that we really are at the mercy of the community and darkness there. As well as knowing that all around us violent and malicious acts were happening.
We left after about a half an hour or so maybe a little longer. I have to say that time moved slowly, but I know it wasn’t very long since dusk was approaching and it would stupid of us to be in there when it got dark. But even with a little less sun, and the fact that the word was out that we were there, the streets were busier and I took in a lot more.
I felt this time walking through like a momma bear. I was aware of everything, maybe a little hyper aware (sign of trauma) but I was trying hard not to go there. I knew who was in front of me, behind me, beside me, but also took in all the closed shutters above, the really high girl, a girl with her pimp drinking beers to get drunk (which she will owe him for by the way. Nothing is free.) I saw the transvestite prostitute who practically met us and the door and followed us most of the way. I saw the dogs, lethargic and sleeping, or maybe dead. I saw blood on the ground. I saw madams and girls with lot’s of makeup. I made eye contact with one and thought I saw a sparkle, she might have just been high as a kite, but I would like to think otherwise. I saw leers from men, and can only imagine the thoughts going through their heads. This is the reality of it. For those 136 girls in that safe house, behind the closed doors and shutters were maybe 136,000.
Very ironically, and with a bit of guilt too I think, I feel as though I found a real womanly part of me. I sat on the bus once we got there, and was like wholly hell that was crazy. Not what I has seen necessarily, but I had never stood in such powerful vulnerability. And that really resonates with me as strong women attributes to have. I wish I could thank those girls and women for that. I wish I could do something more to empower them than we are.
I could get angry, upset, scream, yell, rage, and although I did cry and am now writing this, I still feel very hopeful. I came in to this feeling very prepared. Not really sure how I could do more. I came into this wanting to get dirty and be faced with trauma and triggers. I came here wanting the shadow. I am now getting everything I asked for (maybe a’ careful what you ask for’ moment too ;). Everything about this is showing us the reality of what is. Life/death. Joy/rage. Beauty/darkness. Faith/hopelessness.
My heart and eyes remain open.
First published Feb. 23, 2013
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