India: Waiting on a Delayed Plane
A total random thought process while trying to put down into words what has transpired for me in a year, with the challenge, and upon request a long time ago from a student, how I do what I do :) Confessions.....
I am sitting in the airport waiting for my flight. I just checked when I registered and committed to this challenge and it was March 6th, 2012. I remember being flooded with thoughts that I was two months behind, having no idea how this was going to happen, and very panicked because as most people who really know me know, there is no such thing as failure.
The Seva Challenge has been in my consciousness since seeing Seane in Toronto at the conference and she talked about the first trip she was leading to Cambodia. I walked away thinking that I was going to do it for sure and was totally inspired. I left a piece of my heart in Cambodia when I was there, and couldn’t wait to go back.
I quickly realised that there was no way I could make it happen. I had no community established or ways to fundraise, or even ideas at that point, JOY was just a workshop then. The main reason though… fear. I knew I would ‘fail’. So out of fear I said what I thought would be good bye to a dream, but what really happened was that I manifested many more.
I feel like everything that has happened since then has brought me to this airport today. All the personal reflection, shadow work, Yoga classes, teaching, travel, experiences, have all helped me to let go of fear and realised that there is no such thing as failure. If it doesn`t happen, for me it now means it was not meant to be part of my path. Ironically, this lesson was most instilled through taking on this challenge and my total obsession with Sva Dharma of late!
I may have come, or do, come across strong, but there were many nights I was curled up under a blanket crying because I didn`t think it was going to happen, many days feeling angry that I even had to raise money for this `cause`, a lot of frustration that I would post something `good` on Facebook and get tons of `likes`and then post something real about these women and get none. Plenty of days and nights were spent reallllly wanting to give up, because if I did then it would have been my choice, not failure. Did I mention a whole lot of tears ;)
Taking on this challenge was hands down one of my biggest growth periods spiritually. I felt very much the same way when I decided to hold the first Yogini Yogathon. I felt like no one was really taking me seriously at that time, what I was capable of when I put my mind and heart into something, but more importantly then, like this challenge, there were moments that `God`or the Universe, some higher power let me know I was on the right path, that this was my path. When I was planning and executing the yogathon, I used to get on my mat and dedicate my practise to the Divine. I used to pray the whole way through it for it to be successful in raising a lot of money to help others. It wasn`t until after I read a beautiful translation of the Bhagavad Gita that explained that I was doing exactly what Krishna tells Arjuna to do – dedicate the fruits of your actions to God.
In every moment of doubt, despair, anger, rage, hurt, excitement, joy, I would just offer up to whoever might be around up there listening lol. I continued to surrender my efforts, no matter what happened, to this being part of my dharma or not. I prayed a lot, practised a lot, and always with offering up and believing in dharma with me. I believe that this is a much better way for me to relate to the world than through our societies definitions of success and failure. What shall be shall be…. For me.
This kinda sounds `crazy`, new age or whatever else we can label it as, but all I can say is that for me, this has worked, and everything `working` feels really good and really right. Everyone often comments on how busy I am. I am, not going to lie, but I don`t feel overwhelmed, have self-care as my number one priority, and nothing I do feels `hard`, it all feels good and right… or else I wouldn`t be doing it loll! I am not 'glorifying busy' but am passionately in love with it all and feel called to share, inspire, and uplift others.
I still do have to say, I worked hard for this, organising, planning, sorting, more planning, researching, more planning, executing, collaborating, designing, creating, and still more planning, but I can honestly say that there were `angels`- some people who would show up in those moments where I thought it might come to an end. They are forever in my heart. I also took on this challenge with the encouragement of two others, who decided for their own reasons to bow out gracefully, and who I wish were sitting with me here today.
I am forever grateful to my community for helping me get here, spread the word, and continue to do so, and know that without their support, along with my amazing mother, I wouldn`t be sitting here waiting for my plane.
There were people who donated their time, money, energy, support, love, mala`s, prizes, prayers, so many helped me get here, and I just can`t express how each and everyone one of them is taking up a piece of my heart and coming with me in spirit. I feel forever grateful to everyone who helped support me in into this dream come true.
It`s really an odd emotion to explain… humbled, proud, inspired, loved… all rolled into one.
Everyone has asked me for weeks if I am excited, in all honesty I am not, and have felt guilty saying it because of the feeling that I should be, or that they helped get me here so I don`t want to let them down. But what we are going to do is real. Sure I get to meet the OTM community and hang out with Seane and Suzanne, but these women have been sold, raped, brutalized, and who knows what else. This is real, and what we have done is still such a small piece in the grand scheme of things. I have done a lot of contemplating on my triggers, `failure`did we do enough, anger`how does this continue to happen, `fear`am I safe, and so on, so as to be aware of them and really know their faces when they show up. And interestingly, this year taking on this challenge, and with all I do through JOY, has really helped prepare me.
And now again, sitting here I am flooded with mixed emotions ( the beauty of being a woman, we can have many at once ;) joy, excitement, sadness, interest, but am, and have been really trying not to attach any expectations to this experience. All I really know is it`s about to get and be real. J
I posted this to the Yogini Dialogues this morning, my daily prayer while I am gone.
'Make me willing to accept what I cannot,
fill my mind with understanding, my heart with trust,
there are some things that I must accept as facts,
difficult though they may be to face now.
May my spirit be open and accepting.'
Love you, thank you, and blessing to you all! Xx
First published Feb. 6, 2013
I am sitting in the airport waiting for my flight. I just checked when I registered and committed to this challenge and it was March 6th, 2012. I remember being flooded with thoughts that I was two months behind, having no idea how this was going to happen, and very panicked because as most people who really know me know, there is no such thing as failure.
The Seva Challenge has been in my consciousness since seeing Seane in Toronto at the conference and she talked about the first trip she was leading to Cambodia. I walked away thinking that I was going to do it for sure and was totally inspired. I left a piece of my heart in Cambodia when I was there, and couldn’t wait to go back.
I quickly realised that there was no way I could make it happen. I had no community established or ways to fundraise, or even ideas at that point, JOY was just a workshop then. The main reason though… fear. I knew I would ‘fail’. So out of fear I said what I thought would be good bye to a dream, but what really happened was that I manifested many more.
I feel like everything that has happened since then has brought me to this airport today. All the personal reflection, shadow work, Yoga classes, teaching, travel, experiences, have all helped me to let go of fear and realised that there is no such thing as failure. If it doesn`t happen, for me it now means it was not meant to be part of my path. Ironically, this lesson was most instilled through taking on this challenge and my total obsession with Sva Dharma of late!
I may have come, or do, come across strong, but there were many nights I was curled up under a blanket crying because I didn`t think it was going to happen, many days feeling angry that I even had to raise money for this `cause`, a lot of frustration that I would post something `good` on Facebook and get tons of `likes`and then post something real about these women and get none. Plenty of days and nights were spent reallllly wanting to give up, because if I did then it would have been my choice, not failure. Did I mention a whole lot of tears ;)
Taking on this challenge was hands down one of my biggest growth periods spiritually. I felt very much the same way when I decided to hold the first Yogini Yogathon. I felt like no one was really taking me seriously at that time, what I was capable of when I put my mind and heart into something, but more importantly then, like this challenge, there were moments that `God`or the Universe, some higher power let me know I was on the right path, that this was my path. When I was planning and executing the yogathon, I used to get on my mat and dedicate my practise to the Divine. I used to pray the whole way through it for it to be successful in raising a lot of money to help others. It wasn`t until after I read a beautiful translation of the Bhagavad Gita that explained that I was doing exactly what Krishna tells Arjuna to do – dedicate the fruits of your actions to God.
In every moment of doubt, despair, anger, rage, hurt, excitement, joy, I would just offer up to whoever might be around up there listening lol. I continued to surrender my efforts, no matter what happened, to this being part of my dharma or not. I prayed a lot, practised a lot, and always with offering up and believing in dharma with me. I believe that this is a much better way for me to relate to the world than through our societies definitions of success and failure. What shall be shall be…. For me.
This kinda sounds `crazy`, new age or whatever else we can label it as, but all I can say is that for me, this has worked, and everything `working` feels really good and really right. Everyone often comments on how busy I am. I am, not going to lie, but I don`t feel overwhelmed, have self-care as my number one priority, and nothing I do feels `hard`, it all feels good and right… or else I wouldn`t be doing it loll! I am not 'glorifying busy' but am passionately in love with it all and feel called to share, inspire, and uplift others.
I still do have to say, I worked hard for this, organising, planning, sorting, more planning, researching, more planning, executing, collaborating, designing, creating, and still more planning, but I can honestly say that there were `angels`- some people who would show up in those moments where I thought it might come to an end. They are forever in my heart. I also took on this challenge with the encouragement of two others, who decided for their own reasons to bow out gracefully, and who I wish were sitting with me here today.
I am forever grateful to my community for helping me get here, spread the word, and continue to do so, and know that without their support, along with my amazing mother, I wouldn`t be sitting here waiting for my plane.
There were people who donated their time, money, energy, support, love, mala`s, prizes, prayers, so many helped me get here, and I just can`t express how each and everyone one of them is taking up a piece of my heart and coming with me in spirit. I feel forever grateful to everyone who helped support me in into this dream come true.
It`s really an odd emotion to explain… humbled, proud, inspired, loved… all rolled into one.
Everyone has asked me for weeks if I am excited, in all honesty I am not, and have felt guilty saying it because of the feeling that I should be, or that they helped get me here so I don`t want to let them down. But what we are going to do is real. Sure I get to meet the OTM community and hang out with Seane and Suzanne, but these women have been sold, raped, brutalized, and who knows what else. This is real, and what we have done is still such a small piece in the grand scheme of things. I have done a lot of contemplating on my triggers, `failure`did we do enough, anger`how does this continue to happen, `fear`am I safe, and so on, so as to be aware of them and really know their faces when they show up. And interestingly, this year taking on this challenge, and with all I do through JOY, has really helped prepare me.
And now again, sitting here I am flooded with mixed emotions ( the beauty of being a woman, we can have many at once ;) joy, excitement, sadness, interest, but am, and have been really trying not to attach any expectations to this experience. All I really know is it`s about to get and be real. J
I posted this to the Yogini Dialogues this morning, my daily prayer while I am gone.
'Make me willing to accept what I cannot,
fill my mind with understanding, my heart with trust,
there are some things that I must accept as facts,
difficult though they may be to face now.
May my spirit be open and accepting.'
Love you, thank you, and blessing to you all! Xx
First published Feb. 6, 2013
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