I Almost Fell Apart
| "Whatever we leave empty Grace will fill." ~ ACIM |
| Dearest Megan Today is all about Truth + Transparency. It's all about imperfection. It's all about being Real. This is really raw, vulnerable, and even a little scary for me but I feel called to share. To shed Light. To start a conversation. To get things really straight. Last week I was having a conversation with a friend who also happens to be a yoga teacher who mentioned she hadn't felt comfortable talking about this because she was a yoga teacher and expectations that can be placed on us. Between this conversation and an incredibly well written article by another yoga teacher in our community I was inspired and called to share something personal with all of you. Over the past few weeks I have been on a "staycation". I wasn't ready to share any of this... until now. Because you see I always tell my teacher trainee's that we don't have to be perfect, have nothing go wrong as yoga teachers, but the lessons and blessings we gain through our challenging times is what makes us teachers. Yet, we must wait. Have time to process, learn, apply, and understand. Then we share. Then we teach. So here I am, finally seeing the gifts of one of the most darkest periods of my life. The honest Truth. A couple of week's after Lola's transition I wanted to go back to teaching. I craved community, connection, and to take little breathers from my grief. Maybe support others in moving through some of their own. But, after a couple of weeks I couldn't do it any more. Behind the 'scenes' I was suffering, bad. I was riddled with anxiety and went to bed almost every night writhing in panic. Put on top of that a move and puppy and I knew something had to give, or I would break. So although part of my intention for taking my "staycation" for the past few weeks was to take the time I had planned for the winter, the deeper reason was I was being taken to the underworld. A part of me was dying. I had to leave teaching so I could focus on my own healing. My work is to work on my self. A friend of mine the other day said "it still feels hard to explain to people when the wound is on the inside, in the mind or heart, not the physical body like so many are used to." I loved this because it's so true. But also didn't feel right to me. So many of us land on the mat for those very wounds. I did ten years ago. A broken heart led me to here. And here I was again, broken hearted. And driving the other day I was like "Whoa, yes!" I speak to this all the time. How had I missed it! This was a deeper layer. Damn there was more.... You see I really believe that the Universe will give you what you can handle, when you can handle it. I was given this loss, grief, anxiety, aching, darkness, and panic because it was another layer to peel away, heal, lean in to, and learn from. And here's what I learned that might also help you: 1) Stay close to your 'Tool's. Having a strong 'tool box' has helped me most. Get one. In mine = yoga, meditation, trusting friends, close family, a spiritual councillor, mentor, spinning, and being in nature. It's taken me ten years to find them, test them, and know what helps most. Find your tools and keep them close. 2) Talk about it. You are not alone. Slowly, slowly though... As I felt more ready, more confident, more courageous I shared. Slowly. And what did I come across? Empathy and compassion. It made me realize that this was also part of the incredible gift.... I could also empathize and exercise more compassion. I 'get' my friends who suffer from this now. I can literally say 'been there, love ya'. 3) Those feelings that feel too scary, too deep, too dark, too hard, they are a part of you dying. It may be an old story, lie you have told yourself, habit, way of thinking. Instead of running from it, gently lean in. If you can't do it alone, find someone who can hold your hand. For me it was my councillor. She helped me feel everything, honestly, and gave more tools for my tool box. 4) Have faith. We need to believe. In something. Anything. But you gotta believe. Our faith gives up hope, strength, will, endurance, and trust. All the daily affirmations you do, well they won't work unless you have faith. So what will you believe in? These past few weeks have been scary, exhausting, emotional, and difficult. More so though, it's been filled with miracles. Although not perfectly (no, yoga teachers aren't perfect), I have placed my healing, my recovery, and my Self first because I believe this 'work' is my path, my dharma. Everything given to me to learn from so I can support you, serve this world, and connect with you all on more authentic levels. In my last act of complete honesty, one of the biggest reasons I wanted to write this and let you all know what was going on with me is I want us to be real. Really Real. So although I have moved through and found the Light in these past few weeks, I know not all of us have, yet. So for those who have not, please know that I feel ya and I love ya. Really. If you are suffering emotionally or mentally please talk to someone. You aren't alone. Really. If you have found the light at the end of the tunnel too, take note of what you learned from those darker times because chances are there will be more layers and levels for you to explore. They become important parts of your tool box. Really. Yoga teachers aren't perfect. It's not our job to be. The one's I admire most though do their work, are real, and have been through it all. So in honour of all those who have come before here I am. Not perfect. But real. Grace filled the emptiness in me in many ways this past month and I hope it also finds it way to you. Megan Xx FInd out more about Megan at www.megancampbell.ca |
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